A
SELECTION OF MOSTLY RELIGION RELATED HUMOR
Actual Announcements Taken From Church Bulletins | Religion as Baseball | Bible Bloopers... | Bible
scholars interpret a Stop sign | THE CAR ACCIDENT | WELCOME TO CULTMASTER 2000 | END OF THE WORLD HEADLINES!!!! | FREDDIE RUSSELL'S BIBLICAL BALL GAME | HERMENEUTICS IN EVERYDAY
LIFE | THE WAY
WE MIGHT SING SOME WELL-KNOWN HYMNS IF WE WERE BEING HONEST | HOW MANY TO CHANGE A
LIGHTBULB? | CHURCH
HUMOR | LAWYERS
QUESTIONS | LETTER
FROM THE SMITHSONIAN | MODERN PHILOSOPHIES | PASTORIAL SEARCH COMMITTEE |
POINTS TO PONDER... |
HONK FOR JESUS |
SCHOOL CHILDREN MISTAKES | SEINFELDISMS | THE SOUTHERN
NATIVITY | ARE
YOU A SPIRITUAL REDNECK? | THE APPLICATION | THE FABLE OF MOISHE | THE FARMER'S DOG | SHORT HISTORY OF MEDICINE | YOUNG SCHOLARS TELL BIBLE STORIES | TOP SEVEN BREAK-UP LINES USED BY
CHRISTIANS | RELIGION
AND TOYS | WHY
WE'RE ALL SO TIRED |
Actual Announcements Taken From Church Bulletins Richard
Lederer
1.Don't let worry kill you -- let the church help.
2.Thursday night - Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
3.Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
4.For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery
downstairs.
5.The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce the birth of David
Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
7.Tuesday at
8.Wednesday, the ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Jones will sing,
"Put me in My Little Bed" accompanied by the pastor.
9.Thursday at
10.This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and
lay an egg on the alter.
11.The service will close with "Little Drops of Water." One of
the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.
12.Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of
the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come
forward and do so.
13.The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they
may be seen in the church basement Friday.
14.A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall.
Music will follow.
15.At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is
Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
16.The preacher will preach his farewell message, after which the choir
will sing, "Break
17.Today...Christian Youth Fellowship House Sexuality Course,
18.During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of
hearing a good sermon when A. B. Doe supplied our pulpit.
19.The Rev. Adams spoke briefly, much to the delight of his audience.
20.The church is glad to have with us today as our guest minister the
Rev.Shirley Green who has Mrs. Green with him. After the service we request
that all remain in the sanctuary for the Hanging of the Greens.
21.The `eighth graders' will be presenting Shakespeare's
"Hamlet" in the church basement on Friday at
A group of friends were discussing the subject of how many apples Adam
and
Eve ate in the Garden of Eden. The first person to speak was very
matter-of-fact and said that it could only have been one apple.
The second person asserted that Adam 8 and Eve ate 2, making a total
of 10.
The third person said there was something wrong with that, because Eve 8
and Adam 8 also, making 16.
"But," said the other person, "If Eve 8 and Adam 82, that
would be a
total of 90."
Still another person said, "According to history, Eve 81 and Adam
82, that
would total 163."
"But," put in someone else, "Don't you see that if Eve 81
and Adam
812, that would make a total of 893."
"According to my figuring," said a professor, "if Eve 814
Adam and
Adam 8124 Eve, that would total 8938."
At that point, they all gave up.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Calvinists believe the game is fixed.
Lutherans believe they can't win, but trust the Scorekeeper.
Quakers won't swing.
Unitarians can catch anything.
Amish walk a lot.
Pagans sacrifice.
Jehovah's Witnesses are thrown out often.
Televangelists get caught stealing.
Episcopalians pass the plate.
Evangelicals make effective pitches.
Fundamentalists balk.
Mormons are in left field.
Dunkers are down by three.
Adventists have a seventh-inning stretch.
Atheists refuse to have an Umpire.
Baptists want to play hardball.
Premillenialists expect the game to be called soon on account of
darkness.
The Pope claims never to have committed an error.
>From XYZ Newsletter from A. Artemio Martin
forwarded by Internet
For Christians Newsletter
"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the
world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that but not
with all those flies and death and stuff." --Mariah Carey
It has been reported that the following verses from Genesis have recently
been discovered among the writings of the
And Adam said, "Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked with me
everyday. Now I do not see you anymore. I am lonesome here and it is
difficult for me to remember how much you love me."
And God said, "I will create a companion for you that will be with
you
forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will
know I love you, even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish
and childish and unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you
as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourself."
And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam. And it was a
good animal.
And God was pleased.
And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and he wagged his tail.
And Adam said, "But Lord, I have already named all the animals in
the
Garden and all the good names are taken and I cannot think of a name for
this new animal."
And God said, "Because I have created this new animal to be a
reflection
of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you
will call him DOG."
And DOG lived with Adam and was a companion to him and loved him. And
Adam was comforted. And God was pleased. And DOG was content and wagged
his tail.
And behold, it came to pass that Adam's guardian angel came to the Lord
and said, "Lord, Adam has become filled with pride. He struts and
preens
like a peacock and he believes he is worthy of adoration. DOG has indeed
taught him that he is loved, but no one has taught him humility."
And God said, "I will create for him a companion who will be with
him
forever and who will see him as he is. The companion will remind him of
his limitations, so that he will know that he is not worthy of
adoration."
And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam. And CAT would not obey
Adam. and when Adam gazed into CAT's eyes, he was reminded that he was
not the supreme being. And Adam learned humility. And God was pleased.
And Adam was greatly improved.
And CAT did not care one way or the other.
The bloopers found below are said to be written by actual students
and are "genuine, authentic, and unretouched." They were
compiled
by Richard Lederer, and appear in the 12/31/95 edition of "National
Review" magazine. It is truly astonishing what happens in Bible
stories when they are retold by young scholars around the world:
----------------------------------------------------------------
In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating
the world, so He took the Sabbath off. Adam and Eve were created from
an apple tree. Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark,
which the animals came on to in pears. Lot's wife was a pillar of salt
by day, but a ball of fire by night.
The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble
with the unsympathetic Genitals. Samson was a strongman who let
himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah. Samson slayed the
Philistines with the axe of the apostles.
Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened
bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. The Egyptians were
all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide
to get the Ten Amendments. The First Commandment was when Eve told
Adam to eat the apple. The Fifth Commandment is to humor thy father
and mother. The seventh Commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the Hebrews
in the battle of Geritol. The greatest miracle in the Bible is when
Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.
David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with
the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.
Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others
before they do one to you. He also explained, "Man doth not live by
sweat alone."
The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels. The
epistles were the wives of the apostles. One of the opossums was St.
Matthew who was by profession, a taximan.
St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony,
which is another name for marriage. A Christian should have only one
wife. This is called monotony.
Bible scholars interpret a Stop sign
from http://members.aol.com/cidupict/Oldcomics.html
Suppose you're travelling to work and you see a stop sign. What do you
do?
That depends...
1. A postmodernist deconstructs the sign (knocks it over with his car),
ending
forever the tyranny of the north-south traffic over the east-west
traffic.
2. Similarly, a Marxist sees a stop sign as an instrument of class
conflict. He concludes that the bourgeoisie use the north-south road
and obstruct the progress of the workers on the east-west road.
3. A serious and educated Catholic believes that he cannot understand
the stop sign apart from its interpretive community and their tradition.
Observing that the interpretive community doesn't take it too seriously,
he doesn't feel obligated to take it too seriously either.
4. An average Catholic (or Orthodox or Coptic or Anglican or Methodist or
Presbyterian or whatever) doesn't bother to read the sign but he'll stop
if
the car in front of him does.
4a. A Catholic traditionalist doesn't stop at the sign because it isn't
in
Latin and was apparently put up after Vatican II.
5. A fundamentalist, taking the text very literally, stops at the stop
sign and waits for it to tell him to go.
5a: a legalist tells everybody to stop at the sign, but treats it
as a "rolling yield" himself...
6. A preacher might look up "STOP" in his lexicons of English
and discover
that it can mean: 1) something which prevents motion, such as a plug for
a
drain, or a block of wood that prevents a door from closing; 2) a
location
where a train or bus lets off passengers. The main point of his sermon
the
following Sunday on this text is: when you see a stop sign, it is a place
where traffic is naturally clogged, so it is a good place to let off
passengers from your car.
7. An orthodox Jew does one of two things:
1) Take another route to work that doesn't have a stop sign so that
he doesn't run the risk of disobeying the Law.
2) Stop at the stop sign, say "Blessed art thou, O Lord our God,
king of the universe, who hast given us thy
commandment to stop,"
wait 3 seconds according to his watch, and
then proceed.
Incidently, the Talmud has the following comments on this passage:
R[abbi] Meir says: He who does not stop shall not live long. R. Hillel
says: Cursed is he who does not count to three before proceeding. R.
Simon
ben Yehudah says: Why three? Because the Holy One, blessed be He, gave us
the Law, the Prophets, and the Writings. R. ben Isaac says: Because of
the three patriarchs. R. Yehuda says: Why bless the Lord at a stop sign?
Because it says: "Be still, and know that I am God." R.
Hezekiel says:
When Jephthah returned from defeating the Ammonites, the Holy One,
blessed
be He, knew that a donkey would run out of the house and overtake his
daughter; but Jephthah did not stop at the stop sign, and the donkey did
not
have time to come out. For this reason he saw his daughter first and lost
her. Thus he was judged for his transgression at the stop sign. R.
Gamaliel says: R. Hillel, when he was a baby, never spoke a word, though
his parents tried to teach him by speaking and showing him the words on a
scroll. One day his father was driving through town and did not stop at
the sign. Young Hillel called out: "Stop, father!" In this way,
he began
reading and speaking at the same time. Thus it is written: "Out of
the
mouth of babes."
R. ben Jacob says: Where did the stop sign come from? Out of the sky,
for it is written: "Forever, O Lord, your word is fixed in the
heavens."
R. ben Nathan says: When were stop signs created? On the fourth day,
for it is written: "let them serve as signs."
R. Yeshuah says: ... [continues for three more pages]
8. A Pharisee does the same thing as an orthodox Jew, except that he
waits
10 seconds instead of 3. He also replaces his brake lights with 1000 watt
searchlights and connects his horn so that it is activated whenever he
touches the brake pedal.
9. A scholar from {the} Jesus seminar concludes that the passage
"STOP"
undoubtedly was never uttered by Jesus himself, but belongs entirely to
stage III of the gospel tradition, when the church was first confronted
by
traffic in its parking lot.
10. A NT scholar notices that there is no stop sign on Mark street but
there is one on Matthew and Luke streets, and concludes that the ones on
Luke and Matthew streets are both copied from a sign on a completely
hypothetical street called "Q". There is an excellent 300 page
discussion
of speculations on the origin of these stop signs and the differences
between the stop signs on Matthew and Luke street in the scholar's
commentary
on the passage. There is an unfortunate omission in the commentary,
however; the author apparently forgot to explain what the text means.
11. An OT scholar points out that there are a number of stylistic
differences between the first and second half of the passage
"STOP". For
example, "ST" contains no enclosed areas and 5 line endings,
whereas "OP"
contains two enclosed areas and only one line termination. He concludes
that the author for [the] second part is different from the author for
the
first part and probably lived hundreds of years later. Later scholars
determine that the second half is itself actually written by two separate
authors because of similar stylistic differences between the
"O" and the "P".
12. Another prominent OT scholar notes in his commentary that the stop
sign
would fit better into the context three streets back. (Unfortunately, he
neglected to explain why in his commentary.) Clearly it was moved to its
present location by a later redactor. He thus exegetes the intersection
as
though the stop sign were not there.
13. Because of the difficulties in interpretation, another OT scholar
emends the text, changing "T" to "H".
"SHOP" is much easier to understand
in context than "STOP" because of the multiplicity of stores in
the area.
The textual corruption probably occured because "SHOP" is so
similar to
"STOP" on the sign several streets back that it is a natural
mistake for a
scribe to make. Thus the sign should be interpreted to announce the
existence of a shopping area.
A rabbi and a priest get into a car accident and it's a bad one.
Both cars are totally demolished, but, amazingly, neither of the
clerics is hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi
sees the priest's collar and says, "So you're a priest. I'm a
rabbi. Just look at our cars. There's nothing left, but we are
unhurt. This must be a sign from God. God must have meant that
we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest
of our days."
The priest replies, "I agree with you completely. This must be a
sign from God."
The rabbi continues, "And look at this. Here's another miracle.
My car is completely demolished but this bottle of Mogen David
wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and
celebrate our good fortune." Then he hands the bottle to the
priest.
The priest agrees, takes a few big swigs, and hands the bottle
back to the rabbi. The rabbi takes the bottle, immediately puts
the cap on, and hands it back to the priest. The priest asks,
"Aren't you having any?"
The rabbi replies, "No...I think I'll wait for the police."
a post sent to the 'H-Net American Religious History [H-AMREL]'
newsgroup
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WHEN THE END OF THE WORLD ARRIVES HOW WILL
THE MEDIA REPORT IT?
HEADLINES!!!!
USA Today: WE'RE DEAD
The Wall Street Journal DOW JONES PLUMMETS AS WORLD ENDS
National Enquire: O.J. AND NICELY, TOGETHER AGAIN
Playboy: GIRLS OF THE APOCALYPSE
Microsoft Systems Journal APPLE LOSES MARKET SHARE
Victoria's Secret Catalog: OUR FINAL SALE
Sports Illustrated: GAME OVER
Wired: THE LAST NEW THING
Rolling Stone: THE GRATEFUL DEAD REUNION TOUR
Readers Digest: 'BYE
Discover Magazine: HOW WILL THE EXTINCTION OF ALL LIFE AS WE
KNOW IT AFFECT THE WAY WE VIEW THE COSMOS?
TV Guide: DEATH AND DAMNATION: NELSON RATINGS SOAR!
Lady's Home Journal: LOSE 10 LBS BY JUDGMENT DAY WITH OUR NEW
"ARMAGEDDON" DIET!
America On-line: SYSTEM TEMPORARILY DOWN.
TRY CALLING BACK IN 15 MINUTES.
Inc. magazine: TEN WAYS YOU CAN PROFIT FROM THE APOCALYPSE
Microsoft Web Site: IF YOU DIDN'T EXPERIENCE THE RAPTURE,
DOWNLOAD SOFTWARE PATCH: RAPT777.EXE.
Sun: ARMAGEDDON TOLERANT SOFTWARE NOW AVAILABLE!
This comes from Freddie Russell of the Nashville Banner. All quotes are
from the KJV
FREDDIE RUSSELL'S BIBLICAL BALL GAME
The people gathered (Numbers 11.32) to see the battle (1 Sam. 14.28) and
sat down to eat and drink (Ex. 32.6) old corn...and (Joshua 15.12) sweet water.
(James 3.11) Eli sat upon a seat by a post (1 Sam.1.9) and he stretched himself
(1 Kgs. 17.21) that he may see good. (Ps. 34.12) So the people shouted: (Joshua
6.20) "Where are the nine? (Luke 17.17) Let the young men now arise and
play before us." (2 Sam. 2.14) The first came out (Gen. 25.25) and went
into the field (Num. 22.23) and stood every man in his place. (Jdg. 7.21) And
Peter called, (Mk. 14.72) whether it be good or bad. (Lev. 27.12) As one
mocketh, another do (Job 13.9) with loud voices: (Lk. 23:23) "Thou art
blind!" (Rev. 3.17) And he stooped to (1 Sam. 28.4) make clean...the
platter. (Lk. 11.39) And the trumpeters sounded: (2 Chron. 29.28) "Kohath
shall pitch." (Num. 3.29) And Samson went and caught. (Jdg 15:4) David was
up (2 Sam. 24.11) on the left side (Eze. 1.10) and he struck it into the pan (1
Sam. 2.14) foul. (Matt. 16.3) The second was offered; (Jdg. 6.28) he striketh--
(Job 34.26) he missed! (1 Sam. 20.18) On the third (Gen. 22.4) he struck him
out! (2 Sam. 20.10)
So Levite went in; (Jdg. 17.10) he stood and measured the earth; he
beheld, and drove (Hab. 3.6) for an homer. (Hos. 3.2) And all the people
shouted with a great shout. (Ezra 3.11) And Noah went in, (Gen. 7.7) and did
fly (2 Sam. 22.11) into the field. (Num. 22.23) And Jotham ran away (Jdg.9.21)
and looking back (Lk. 9.62) gathered it. (Isa. 62.9) And Aaron went in, (Ex.
5.1) and he worketh it (Isa. 4.12) two and two. (Gen. 7.9) And Samson said:
(Jdg. 15.3) "Strike it!" (Ex. 12.7) And Aaron spake: (Ex. 4.30)
"A good man would (Rom. 5.7) be not one of them that strike." (Prov.
22.26) And the man refused to smite. (1 Kgs 20.35) And Aaron took, (Numbers
16.47) and he walked. (1 Kgs. 15.3) Amon sacrificed (2 Chron. 33.22) and Aaron
ran (Num. 16.47) into the second, (Heb. 9.7) and overran! (2 Sam. 18.23) And
with the bag (Micah 6.11) afar off-- (Gen. 22.4) a good man out. (Matt. 12.35)
Now Jeremiah came in; (Jer. 37.4) then he went out, (Gen. 31.33) being
caused to fly, (Daniel 9.21) And the men of Israel retired. (Jdg. 20.39) Then
the Philistines went up (Jdg. 15.9) And Joseph was...captain (Gen. 39.1) of the
Philistines. (Jdg. 3.31) And Absalom pitched. (2 Sam. 17.26)
Then Joseph commanded to fill their sacks. (Gen. 42.25) Shimei came forth
(2 Sam. 16.5) and stood and walked. (Acts 3.8) The pitcher (Ecclesiastes 12.6)
looked this way and that; (Ex. 2.12) He stretched out (Hos. 7.5) and threw.
(Acts 22.23) And Archers hit. (1 Sam. 31.3) And it came to pass on second (Lk.
6.1) Job caught (Job 38.5) the line (1 Kgs. 2.28) and threw (2 Sam. 16.13) at
the first; (Gen. 13.4)
Therefore David ran and stood upon (1 Sam. 17.51) the first, (Gen. 13.4)
put forth his hand, and caught (Ex. 4.4) the toss. (Jer. 5.22) This is the
second death. (Rev. 20.14) Then Joseph could not refrain himself, and he cried:
(Gen. 45.1) "Goodness, if thou continue in (Rom. 11.22) going down, (Gen.
15.12) our hope is lost (Eze. 37.11) and my garments (Isa. 63.3) and job."
(Job 32.3) And Abram went up (Gen. 13.1) and Abram drove (Gen. 15.11) into the
air. (Acts 22.23) And Judah came in (Gen. 38.8) under it, (Dan. 4.14) and
through idleness of the hands (Eccl. 10.18) the fly (Isa. 7.18) droppeth through
(Eccl. 10.18) giving him a double. (Lev. 21.17) Abraham took wood and (Gen.
22.6) caught hold of (2 Sam. 18.9) an hard (Matt. 25.24) and high (Rev. 21.12)
delivery (Isa. 26.17) and smote it (Jdg. 7.13) into left. (Lev. 14.15) Thus and
thus (Jdg. 18.4) Israel fought against (Josh. 10.29) the Philistines (1 Sam.
19.8) till the ninth. (Lev. 25.22) For each, one (Num. 7.3) in the first, (Jer.
25.1) and seven times (Lev. 25.8) after that they (Eccl. 9.3) gathereth eggs.
(Isa. 10.14) In the ninth, (1 Kgs. 25.1) Israel went out (1 Kgs. 20.21) in a
row, (1 Kgs. 7.3) and none came in. (1 Sam. 18.13) He sent divers sorts of
flies among them (Ps. 78.45) And they caught them every one. (2 Sam. 2.6)
The first man (1 Cor. 15.45) for the Philistines (1 Sam. 28.15) drew the
third, (Rev. 12.4) and the fourth (Dt. 28.20) came to the outside; (Jdg. 7.19)
he walketh. (Job 22.14) The pitcher (Eccl. 12.6) climbed up upon (1 Sam. 14.13)
the mount (Dt. 1.7) and pitched. (Ex. 19.2) And Moses put it on a pole (Num.
21.9) for an homer, (Hos. 3.2) and Israel was beaten. (2 Sam. 2.17)
And behold, the man clothed with linen, which had the inkhorn by his
side, reported the matter (Eze. 9.11) and wrote it in a book. (1 Sam. 10.25)
by Tim Perry
Durham University.
Suppose you're traveling to work and you see a stop sign. What do you do?
That depends on how you exegete the stop sign.
1. A postmodernist deconstructs the sign (knocks it over with his car),
ending forever the tyranny of the north-south traffic over the east-west
traffic.
2. Similarly, a Marxist refuses to stop because he sees the stop sign as
an instrument of class conflict. He concludes that the bourgeois use the
north-south road and obstruct the progress of the workers in the east-west
road.
3. A serious and educated Catholic rolls through the intersection because
he believes he cannot understand the stop sign apart from its interpretive
community and tradition. Observing that the interpretive community doesn't take
it too seriously, he doesn't feel obligated to take it too seriously either.
4. An average Catholic (or Orthodox or Coptic or Anglican or Methodist or
Presbyterian or whatever) doesn't bother to read the sign but he'll stop if the
car in front of him does.
5. A fundamentalist, taking the text very literally, stops at the stop
sign and waits for it to tell him to go.
6. A seminary-educated evangelical preacher might look up
"STOP" in his lexicons of English and discover that it can mean:
- something which prevents
motion, such as a plug for a drain, or a block of wood that prevents a
door from closing;
- 2) a location where a
train or bus lets off passengers. The main point of his sermon the
following Sunday on this text is: when you see a stop sign, it is a place
where traffic is naturally clogged, so it is a good place to let off
passengers from your car.
7. An orthodox Jew does one of two things: a) Take another route to work
that doesn't have a stop sign so that he doesn't run the risk of disobeying the
Law; b) Stop at the sign, say "Blessed art thou, O Lord our God, king of
the universe, who hast given us thy commandment to stop," wait 3 seconds
according to his watch, and then proceed. Incidently, the Talmud has the
following comments on this passage:
R[abbi] Meir says: He who does not stop shall not live long. R. Hillel
says: Cursed is he who does not count to three before proceeding. R. Simon ben
Yudah says: Why three? Because the Holy One, blessed be He, gave us the Law,
the Prophets, and the Writings. R. ben Issac says: Because of the three
patriarchs. R. Yehuda says: Why bless the Lord at a stop sign? Because it says,
"Be still and know that I am God." R. Hezekiel says: When Jephthah
returned from defeating the Ammonites, the Holy One, blessed be He, knew that a
donkey would run out of the house and overtake his daughter, but Jephthah did
not stop at the stop sign, and the donkey did not have time to come out. For
this reason he saw his daughter first and lost her. Thus he was judged for his
transgression at the stop sign. R. Gamaliel says: R. Hillel, when he was a
baby, never spoke a word, though his parents tried to teach him by speaking and
showing him the owrds on a scroll. One day his father was driving through town
and did not stop at the sign. Young Hillel called out: "Stop, father!"
In this way, he began reading and speaking at the same time. Thus it is
written: "Out of the mouths of babes."
R. ben Jacob says: Where did the stop sign come from? Out of the sky, for
it is written: "Forever, O Lord, your word is fixed in the heavens."
R. Ben Nathan says: Where were the stop signs created? On the fourth day, for
it is written: "Let them serve as signs." R. Yeshuah
says...[continues for three more pages]
8. A Lubavitcher rabbi does the same thing as an orthodox Jew, except
that he waits 10 seconds instead of 3. He also replaces his brake lights with
1000 watt searchlights and connects his horn so that it is activated whenever
he touches the brake pedal. He also works out the gematria of shin-tav-pey
(S-T-(O)-P) and takes it to mean that the Rebbe Schneersohn, of blessed memory,
will be resurrected as the Messiah after he has stopped at this intersection
780 times.
9. A scholar from the Jesus Seminar concludes that the passage
"STOP" undoubtably was never uttered by Jesus himself because being
the progressive Jew that He was, He would never have wanted to stifle peoples'
progress. Therefore, STOP must be a textual insertion belonging entirely to
stage III of the gospel tradition, when the church was first confronted by
traffic in its parking lot.
10. A NT scholar notices that there is no stop sign on Mark street but
there is one on Matthew and Luke streets, and concludes that the ones on Luke
and Matthew streets are both copied from a sign on a street no one has ever
seen called "Q" Street. There is an excellent 300 page doctoral
dissertation on the origin of these stop signs and the differences between stop
signs on Matthew and Luke street in the scholar's commentary on the passage.
There is an unfortunate omission in the dissertation, however; it doesn't
explain the meaning of the text!
11. An OT scholar points out that there are a number of stylistic
differences between the first and second half of the passage "STOP."
For example, "ST" contains no enclosed areas and 5 line endings, whereas
"OP" contains two enclosed areas and only one line termination. He
concludes that the author for the second part is different from the author of
the first part and probably lived hundreds of years later. Later scholars
determine that the second half is itself actually written by two separate
authors beause of similar stylistic differences between the "O" and
the "P".
12. Another prominent OT scholar notes in his commentary that the stop
sign would fit better into the context three streets back. (Unfortunately, he
neglected to explain why in his commentary.) Clearly it was moved to its
present location by a later redactor. He thus exegetes the intersection as
though the sign were not there.
13. Because of the difficulties in interpretation, another OT scholar
amends the text, changing the "T" to "H". "SHOP"
is much easier to understand in context than "STOP" because of the
multiplicity of stores in the area. The textual corruption probably occurred
because "SHOP" is so similar to "STOP" on the sign several
streets back, that it is a natural mistake for a scribe to make. Thus the sign
should be interpreted to announce the existence of a shopping area. If this is
true, it could indicate that both meanings are valid, thus making the thrust of
the message "STOP (AND) SHOP."
14. A "prophetic" preacher notices that the square root of the
sum of the numeric representations of the letters S-T-O-P (sigma-tau-omicron-pi
in the Greek alphabet), multiplied by 40 (the number of testing), and divided
by four (the number of the world--north, south, east, and west), equals 666.
Therefore, he concludes that stop signs are the dreaded "mark of the
beast," a harbinger of divine judgment upon the world, and must be avoided
at all costs.
THE WAY WE MIGHT SING SOME WELL-KNOWN HYMNS IF WE
WERE BEING HONEST
I Surrender Some
There Shall Be Sprinkles of Blessings
Fill My Spoon, Lord
Oh, How I Like Jesus
He's Quite a Bit to Me
I Love to Talk About Telling the Story
Take My Life and Let Me Be
It is My Secret What God Can Do
There is Scattered Cloudiness in My Soul Today
Onward, Christian Reserves
Where He Leads Me, I Will Consider Following
Just As I Pretend to Be
When the Saints Go Sneaking In
HOW MANY TO CHANGE A LIGHTBULB?
1. How many Charismatics does it take to change a light bulb?
One to change the bulb and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.
2. How many Calvinists does it take to change a light bulb?
None. God has predestined when the light will be on. Calvinists do not
change light bulbs. They simply read the instructions and pray the light
bulb will be one that has been chosen to be changed.
3. How many Baptists does it take to change a light bulb?
Change???
4. How many neo-orthodox does it take to change a bulb?
No one knows. They can't tell the difference between light and darkness.
5. How many TV evangelists does it take to change a light bulb?
One. But for the message of light to continue, send in your donation
today.
6. How many independent fundamentalists does it take to change a light
bulb?
Only one, because any more might result in too much cooperation.
7. How many liberals does it take to change a light bulb?
At least ten, as they need to hold a debate on whether or not the light
bulb exists. Even if they can agree upon the existence of the light
bulb, they still might not change it, to keep from alienating those who
might use other forms of light.
8. How many Catholics does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They always use candles.
9. How many worship leaders who use guitars does it take to change a
light bulb?
One. But soon all those around can warm up to its glowing.
10. How many members of an established Bible teaching church that is
over years old does it take to change a light bulb?
One to actually change the bulb, and nine to say how much they liked the
old one.
11. How many United Methodists does it take to change a light bulb?
This statement was issued: "We choose not to make a statement either
in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own
journey you have found that a light bulb works for you, that is fine. You are
invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your personal
relationship with your light bulb (or light source, or non-dark resource), and
present it next month at our annual light bulb Sunday service, in which we will
explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent,
three-way, long-life, and tinted--all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.
12. How many Amish does it take to change a light bulb?
"What's a light bulb?"
13. How many youth pastors does it take to change a light bulb?
Youth pastors aren't around long enough for a light bulb to burn out.
14. How many Southern Baptists does it take to change a light bulb?
109. Seven on the Light Bulb Task Force Sub-committee, who report to the
12 on the Light Bulb Task Force, appointed by the 15 on the Trustee Board.
Their recommendation is reviewed by the Finance Committee Executive of 5, who
place it on the agenda of the 18 member Finance Committee. If they approve,
they bring a motion to the 27 member church Board, who appoint another 12
member review committee. If they recommend that the Church Board proceed, a
resolution is brought to the Congregational Business Meeting. They appoint
another 8 member review committee. If their report to the next Congregational
Business Meeting supports the changing of a light bulb, and the Congregation
votes in favor, the responsibility to carry out the light bulb change is passed
on to the Trustee Board, who in turn appoint a 7 member committee to find the
best price in new light bulbs. Their recommendation of which hardware has the
best buy must then be reviewed by the 23 member Ethics Committee to make certain
that this hardware store has no connection to Disneyland. They report back to
the Trustee Board who, then commissions the Trustee in charge of the Janitor to
ask him to make the change.
By then the janitor discovers that one more light bulb has burned out.
Over the massive front doors of a church, these words were inscribed:
"The Gates of Heaven". Below that was a small cardboard sign
which read: "Please use other entrance."
Rev. Warren J. Keating, Pastor of the First Presbyterian Church of Yuma,
AZ, says that the best prayer he ever heard was: "Lord, please make me the
kind of person my dog thinks I am."
A Woman went to the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.
"What Denomination?" Asked the clerk. "Oh, good heavens! Have we
come to this?" said the woman. "Well give me 50 Baptist and 50
Catholic ones."
On a very cold, snowy Sunday in February, only the pastor and one farmer
arrived at the village church. The pastor said, "Well, I guess we won't
have a service today." The farmer replied: "Heck, if even only one
cow shows up at feeding time, I feed it."
During a children's sermon, Rev. Larry Eisenberg asked the children what
"Amen" means. A little boy raised his hand and said: "It means
'Tha-tha-tha-that's all folks!' "
A student was asked to list the 10 Commandments in any order. His answer?
"3, 6, 1, 8, 4, 5, 9, 2, 10, 7".
I was at the beach with my children when my four-year-old son ran up to
me, grabbed my hand, and led me to the shore, where a sea gull lay dead in the
sand. "Mommy, what happened to him?" my little boy asked. "He
died and went to Heaven," I replied. My son thought a moment and then
said, "And why did God throw him back down?"
Bill Keane, creator of the Family Circus cartoon strip tells of a time
when he was penciling one of his cartoons and his son Jeffy said, "Daddy,
how do you know what to draw?" I said, "God tells me." Jeffy
said, "Then why do you keep erasing parts of it?"
After the church service, a little boy told the pastor: "When I grow
up, I'm going to give you some money." "Well, thank you," the
pastor replied, "but why?" "Because my daddy says you're one of
the poorest preachers we've ever had."
My wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to our
six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?"
I wouldn't know what to say," she replied. "Just say what you hear
Mommy say," my wife said. Our daughter bowed her head and said: "Dear
Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"
Recently reported in the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal,
the following are questions actually asked of witnesses by attorneys during
trials and, in certain cases, the responses given by insightful witnesses.
1. "Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep,
he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"
2. "The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?"
3. "Were you present when your picture was taken?"
4. "Were you alone or by yourself?"
5. Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?"
6. "Did he kill you?"
7. "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the
collision?"
8. "You were there until the time you left, is that true?"
9. "How may times have you committed suicide?"
10. Q: "So the date of conception (of the baby) was August
8th?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "And what were you doing at that time?"
11. Q: "She had three children, right?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "How many were boys?"
A: "None."
Q: "Were there any girls?"
12. Q: "You say the stairs went down to the basement?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "And these stairs, did they go up also?"
13. Q: "Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon,
didn't you?"
A: "I went to Europe, Sir."
Q: "And you took your new wife?"
14. Q: "How was your first marriage terminated?"
A: "By death."
Q: "And by whose death was it terminated?"
15. Q: "Can you describe the individual?"
A: "He was about medium height and had a beard."
Q: "Was this a male, or a female?"
16. Q: "Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?"
A: "No, this is how I dress when I go to work."
17. Q: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead
people?"
A: "All my autopsies are performed on dead people."
18. Q: "All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go
to?"
A: "Oral."
19. Q: "Do you recall the time that you examined the body?"
A: "The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.."
Q: "And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?"
A: "No, you dummy, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was
doing an autopsy."
20. Q: "You were not shot in the fracas?"
A: "No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel."
21. Q: "Are you qualified to give a urine sample?"
A: "I have been since early childhood."
This is a copy of an actual letter sent from the Smithsonian Institutions
to a retired gentleman who aparently has way to much free time on his hands.
Paleoanthropology Division
Smithsonian Institute 207 Pennsylvania Avenue Washington, DC 20078
Dear Sir:
Thank you for your latest submission to the Institute, labeled
"211-D, layer seven, next to the clothesline post. Hominid skull." We
have given this specimen a careful and detailed examination, and regret to
inform you that we disagree with your theory that it represents
"conclusive proof of the presence of Early Man in Charleston County two
million years ago." Rather, it appears that what you have found is the
head of a Barbie doll, of the variety one of our staff, who has small children,
believes to be the "Malibu Barbie". It is evident that you have given
a great deal of thought to the analysis of this specimen, and you may be quite
certain that those of us who are familiar with your prior work in the field
were loathe to come to contradiction with your findings. However, we do feel
that there are a number of physical attributes of the specimen which might have
tipped you off to it's modern origin:
1. The material is molded plastic. Ancient hominid remains are typically
fossilized bone.
2. The cranial capacity of the specimen is approximately 9 cubic
centimeters, well below the threshold of even the earliest identified
proto-hominids.
3. The dentition pattern evident on the "skull" is more consistent
with the common domesticated dog than it is with the "ravenous man-eating
Pliocene clams" you speculate roamed the wetlands during that time.
This latter finding is certainly one of the most intriguing hypotheses
you have submitted in your history with this institution, but the evidence
seems to weigh rather heavily against it. Without going into too much detail,
let us say that:
A. The specimen looks like the head of a Barbie doll that a dog has
chewed on.
B. Clams don't have teeth.
It is with feelings tinged with melancholy that we must deny your request
to have the specimen carbon dated. This is partially due to the heavy load our
lab must bear in its normal operation, and partly due to carbon dating's
notorious inaccuracy in fossils of recent geologic record. To the best of our
knowledge, no Barbie dolls were produced prior to 1956 AD, and carbon dating is
likely to produce wildly inaccurate results. Sadly, we must also deny your
request that we approach the National Science Foundation's Phylogeny Department
with the concept of assigning your specimen the scientific name
"Australopithecus spiff-arino." Speaking personally, I, for one,
fought tenaciously for the acceptance of your proposed taxonomy, but was
ultimately voted down because the species name you selected was hyphenated, and
didn't really sound like it might be Latin.
However, we gladly accept your generous donation of this fascinating
specimen to the museum. While it is undoubtedly not a hominid fossil, it is,
nonetheless, yet another riveting example of the great body of work you seem to
accumulate here so effortlessly. You should know that our Director has reserved
a special shelf in his own office for the display of the specimens you have
previously submitted to the institution, and the entire staff speculates daily
on what you will happen upon next in your digs at the site you have discovered
in your back yard. We eagerly anticipate your trip to our nation's capital that
you proposed in your last letter, and several of us are pressing the Director
to pay for it. We are particularly interested in hearing you expand on your
theories surrounding the "trans-positating fillifitation of ferrous ions
in a structural matrix" that makes the excellent juvenile Tyrannosaurus
rex femur you recently discovered take on the deceptive appearance of a rusty
9-mm Sears Craftsman automotive crescent wrench.
Yours in Science,
Harvey Rowe
Curator, Antiquities
The Smithsonian Institutions
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
He who hesitates is probably right.
Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is
research.
To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your
principles.
Two wrongs are only the beginning.
Work is accomplished by those employees who have not reached their level
of incompetence.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. (The corollary
is: You never learn to pray until your kids learn to drive!)
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
SUBJ: Pastoral Search Committee
In our search for a suitable pastor, the following scratch sheet was
developed for your perusal. Of the candidates investigated by the committee,
only one was found to have the necessary qualities. The list contains the names
of the candidates and comments on each, should you be interested in
investigating them further for future pastoral placements.
Noah: He has 120 years of preaching experience, but no converts.
Moses: He stutters; and his former congregation says he loses his temper
over trivial things.
Abraham: He took off to Egypt during hard times. We heard that he got
into trouble with the authorities and then tried to lie his way out.
David: He is an unacceptable moral character. He might have been
considered for minister of music had he not 'fallen.'
Solomon: He has a reputation for wisdom but fails to practice what he
preaches.
Elijah: He proved to be inconsistent, and is known to fold under
pressure.
Hosea: His family life is in a shambles. Divorced, and remarried to a
prostitute.
Jeremiah: He is too emotional, alarmist; some say a real 'pain in the
neck.'
Amos: Comes from a farming background. Better off picking figs.
John: He says he is a Baptist but lacks tact and dresses like a hippie.
Would not feel comfortable at a church potluck supper.
Peter: Has a bad temper, and was heard to have even denied Christ
publicly.
Paul: We found him to lack tact. He is too harsh, His appearance is
contemptible, and he preaches far too long.
Timothy: He has potential, but is much too young for the position.
Jesus: He tends to offend church members with his preaching, especially
Bible scholars. He is also too controversial. He even offended the search
committee with his pointed questions.
Judas: He seemed to be very practical, co-operative, good with money,
cares for the poor, and dresses well. We all agreed that he is just the man we
are looking for to fill the vacancy as our Senior Pastor.
Thank you for all you have done in assisting us with our pastoral search.
Sincerely,
The Pastoral Search Committee.
(From Cynthia Dinwiddie Environmental Engineering and Science Clemson
University)
A day without sunshine is like. . . . night.
Diplomacy is saying "nice doggy" until you find a large rock.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
I just got lost in thought. . . It was unfamiliar territory.
When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
He's not dead, he's electroencephalographically challenged.
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be
misquoted, then used against you.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Pardon my driving, I'm reloading.
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
Put on your seatbelt....I wanna try something.
There's no future in time travel.
Smith & Wesson: The original point and click interface.
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
Chocolate: the OTHER major food group.
I used to have an open mind, but my brains kept falling out.
Multitasking - screwing up several things at once.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
Arachibutyrophobia: fear of peanut butter sticking to roof of your mouth.
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
A good pun is its own reword.
I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.
Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
Friends may come and go, but enemies tend to accumulate.
A critter will assume the shape of the container it is packed into.
OK, so what's the speed of dark?
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.
I drank WHAT?........ Socrates
The other day I went into the Christian Supply Store. This is a religious
book store, and I saw this bumper sticker that says "Honk If You Love
Jesus".
I bought it an put it on the back bumper of my truck........and I'm
reallyglad that I did. What an uplifting experience followed!
I was stopped at the light at a busy intersection, just lost in though
about the Lord, and I didn't notice that the light had changed. That bumper
sticker really worked --- I found a lot of people who love Jesus!
Why, the guy behind me started to honk like crazy. He must really love
the Lord because pretty soon he leaned out his window and yelled "Jesus
Christ", as loud as he could. It was like a football game with him
shouting, "Go,.... .. Jesus Christ,..... Go". Everyone else started
honking too, so I leaned out my window and waved and smiled to all those loving
people. There must have been a guy from Florida back there because I could hear
him yelling something about a "sunny beach" ...... and saw him waving
in a funny way with only one finger stuck up in the air.
I asked by friends who were with me what that mean. They kind of
squirmed, and looked at each other, laughed and told me that it was the
Hawaiian good luck sign. So, --- I leaned out the window and gave him the good
luck sign back!
Several cars behind, a very nice young man stepped out of his car. He
must have been a Catholic as he was yelling "Holy Mother of God".
Maybe he was Hawaiian too. He must really love the Lord.
A couple of people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they
got out of their cars and were walking toward me. I bet they wanted to pray,
but just then I noticed that the light had changed and I stepped on the gas.
And a good thing that I did, because I was the only driver to get across the
intersection. I looked back at them standing there, and I leaned way out the
window, gave the a BIG smile and held up the Hawaiian good luck sign as I drove
away.
Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks.!!!
Here are a few reputably true schoolboy howlers:
Christians are only allowed one wife and this is known as monotony.
A lie is a sin and an abomination in the sight of the Lord, but a very
present help in time of trouble.
John the Baptist was beheaded with the Axe of the Apostles.
You must love your neighbour even if you hate him.
Everyone was pleased when Jesus healed the paralytic man, except Simon
who had to pay to have the roof mended.
Four men came out carrying a parable on a bed.
If someone slaps you turn and let him have another knock and the door
shall be opened.
Two Jesuits, probably a man and wife, were on the way to Emmaus.
The end of the World will mark a turning point in everyone's life.
John said it was not awful for you to marry your brother's wife.
Question: What do you know about Elijah?
Answer: All I know about Elijah was that he went for a cruise with a
widow.
Question: What is a Vixen?
Answer: A lady Vicar.
Question: What is the first and greatest Commandment?
Answer: Hang all the law and the prophets.
Quesion: Who lived in the Garden of Eden?
Answer: The Adams Family.
The Pilgrim Fathers were captured by Giant Despair. They were a big band
of Quackers.
Moses received the Ten Commandments on two stones, and these he impressed
upon the people.
There is always a knave in churches to remind you of Sin.
The chief missile of the Church of England is the Prayer Book.
Jesus cured Peter's mother-in-law when she was sick of a fever, and Peter
swore and went out and wept bitterly.
Misheard Scriptures:
Get the hens Satan.
Thy rod and they staff they come for me.
Lead us not into Thames Station.
Lay not up for yourselves trousers upon earth.
Give us this day our daily jelly bread.
In the Father and in the son and in the hole he goes.
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Can fat people go skinny-dipping?
Can you be a closet claustrophobic?
Why is the word abbreviation so long?
Is it possible to be totally partial?
What's another word for thesaurus?
If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?
If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their lights
off?
When companies ship styrofoam, what do they pack it in?
If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain
silent?
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?
Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only
endangered plants?
Why is bra singular and panties plural?
If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it
considered a hostage situation?
Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they still
grow? Only to be troubled and insecure?
Is there another word for synonym?
Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do
"practice"?
When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?
When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown
away?
Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why do they report power outages on TV?
In a small southern town (probably in South Carolina) there was a
"Nativity Scene" that showed great skill and talent had gone into
creating it. One small feature bothered me. The three wise men were wearing
firemen's helmets. Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I
left. At a "Quik Stop" on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind
the counter about the helmets.
She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, "You silly Yankees never do
read the Bible!" I assured her that I did, but simply couldn't recall
anything about firemen in the Bible. She jerked her Bible from behind the
counter and ruffled thru some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a
passage. Sticking it in my face she said "See, it says right here, 'The
three wise men came from afar.'"
>From the Joy listserv.
This was in the teen devotional by Karl Haffner
You might be a legalist (Spiritual Redneck) if.......
1. You use a stopwatch in your devotions.
2. You make your toddler file a 1040 to report the quarter she found in
the sofa.
3. You think Grace is the name of a perfume.
4. Your checks feature eschatology charts.
5. You think Morris Vendon is a cat.
6. Your license plate reads: UR24GOJOY
7. You share your church attendance records at family reunions.
8. You have a party and your neighbors don't even know it.
9. Your translation of Matthew 5:5 is "Only people like me will
inherit the earth."
10. You call the police to report someone refilling his Big Gulp after
sipping it.
11. You set your watch in church to beep at 12:00 noon.
12. Your key chain token is a life-sized replica of the Ten Commandments.
13. You count the number of groceries in the lady's cart in front of you
in the express lane.
14. You stare at a can of frozen apple juice because it says "Concentrate".
15. You have a lie detector in your house.
16. Any of your hobbies require commentaries.
17. Your parrot can say, "It's not sundown yet."
"Outside of the killings, Washighton has one of the lowest crime
rates in the country."--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, D.C.
This is an actual essay written by a college applicant to NYU. The author
was accepted and is now attending NYU.
3A. IN ORDER FOR THE ADMISSIONS STAFF OF OUR COLLEGE TO GET TO KNOW YOU,
THE APPLICANT, BETTER, WE ASK THAT YOU ANSWER THE FOLLOWING QUESTION:
ARE THERE ANY SIGNIFICANT EXPERIENCES YOU HAVE AND, OR ACCOMPLISHMENTS
YOU HAVE REALIZED, THAT HAVE HELPED TO DEFINE YOU AS A PERSON?
I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have
been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more
efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban
refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently.
Occasionally I tread water for three days in a row.
I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot
bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute
Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an
outlaw in Peru.
Using only a hoe and a glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a
small village in the Amazon Basin from a hoard of ferocious army ants.
I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I am the subject of
numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my
yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair
electrical appliances free of charge.
I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie.
Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don't
perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller
number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey
with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration.
I bat .400.
My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany
circles.
Children trust me.
I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy.
I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day
and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the
exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several
covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in
a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of
terrorists who had seized a small bakery.
The laws of physics do not apply to me.
I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On
weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami.
Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down.
I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a
toaster oven.
I breed prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan,
cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I
have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with
Elvis.
But I have not yet gone to college.
About a century or two ago, the Pope decided that all the Jews had to
leave Rome. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Jewish community. So the
Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Jewish
community. If the Jew won, the Jews could stay. If the Pope won, the Jews would
leave. The Jews realized that they had no choice. They looked around for a
champion who could defend their faith, but no one wanted to volunteer. It was
too risky. So they finally picked an old man named Moishe who spent his life
sweeping up after people to represent them.
Being old and poor, he had less to lose, so he agreed. He asked only for
one addition to the debate. Not being used to saying very much as he cleaned up
around the settlement, he asked that neither side be allowed to talk. The pope
agreed.
The day of the great debate came. Moishe and the Pope sat opposite each
other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three
fingers.
Moishe looked back at him and raised one finger.
The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head.
Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat.
The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine.
Moishe pulled out an apple.
The Pope stood up and said, 'I give up. This man is too good. The Jews
can stay.' An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him
what happened.
The Pope said: 'First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity.
He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still
one God common to both our religions.
Then I waved my finger around me to show him, that God was all around us.
He responded by pointing to the ground, showing that God was also right
here with us.
I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that God absolves us from our
sins.
He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin.
He had an answer for everything.
What could I do?'
Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe, amazed that
this old, almost feeble-minded man had done what all their scholars had
insisted was impossible!
'What happened?' they asked.
'Well,' said Moishe, 'First he said to me that the Jews had three days to
get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving.
Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Jews. I let him
know that we were staying right here.
'And then?' asked a woman.
'I don't know,' said Moishe. 'He took out his lunch and I took out mine.'
A farmer named Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with a
pet dog on whom he doted. After many years, the dog died.
Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, the dog is
dead. Could you be saying a mass for the creature?"
Father Patrick replied, "No, Muldoon, we cannot have a mass in the
church for an animal."
"Well, Father, I just don't know what to do now," Muldoon said.
The dog's been with me for many, many years now, and has been good to me. I
can't just put him in the ground."
"I understand, Muldoon," Father Patrick replied. "But I
tell you what: There's some sort of new denomination down the road a piece. No
telling what they believe, but maybe they'll do something for you and for the
animal."
"Thanks, Father," Muldoon said. "I'll go over there right
now. But tell me this, Father: Do you think $50,000 is enough to donate for the
service?"
And then Father Patrick immediately asked, "Hell, Muldoon, why
didn't you tell me the dog was Catholic?
2000 B.C. - Here, eat this root.
1000 A.D. - That root is heathen. Here, say this prayer.
1850 A.D. - That prayer is superstition. Here, drink this potion.
1940 A.D. - That potion is snake oil. Here, swallow this pill.
1985 A.D. - That pill is ineffective. Here, take this antibiotic.
2000 A.D. - That antibiotic doesn't work anymore. Here, eat this root.
The Revised Nonstandard Bible -- May 11, 1996 It is
truly astonishing what happens to Bible stories when they are retold by young
scholars around the world. Here is an excerpt from a chapter in Fractured
English, which will be published by Pocket Books this October.
The Bible is full of many interesting caricatures. Michael Angelo painted
them on the Sixteen Chapels.
The first five books of the Bible are Genesis, Exodus, Laxatives,
Deuteronomy, and Numbers. In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, God got
tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off. Adam and Eve were
created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, asked, "Am I my
brother's son? My punishment is greater than I can bare."
Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark. He built an ark, which the animals
came on to in pears. Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire
by night. Saddam and Gomorrah were twins.
Abraham begat Isaac and Isaac begat Jacob and Jacob begat 12 partridges.
God asked Abraham to sacrifice Isaac on Mount Montezuma. Abraham took
Isaac up the mountain to be circumcised. Jacob, son of Isaac, stole his
brother, Esau's birthmark. Esau was a man who wrote fables and sold his
copyright for a mess of potash. Jacob was a patriarch who brought up his 12
sons to be patriarchs, but they did not take to it. One of Jacob's sons,
Joseph, gave refuse to the Israelites.
The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with
the unsympathetic Genitals. Samson was a strongman who let himself be led
astray by a Jezebel like Delilah. Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of
the apostles. He slayed them by pulling down the pillows of the temple.
Pharaoh forced the Hebrew slaves to make beds without straw. Moses was an
Egyptian who lived in a hark made of bullrushes. Moses led the Hebrews to the
Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any
ingredients. The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert.
Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Amendments. The
First Commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple. The Fifth
Commandment is humor thy father and mother. The Seventh Commandment is thou
shalt not admit adultery. The Ninth Commandment is thou salt not bare faults
witness.
Moses ate nothing but whales and manner for 40 years. He died before he
ever reached Canada. Then, Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol. The
greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he
obeyed him.
David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He wrote psalms.
They are called psalms because he sang them while playing the harmonica.
David also fought with the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in
Biblical times. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
Later came Job, who had one trouble after another. Eventually, he lost
all his cattle and all his children and had to go live alone with his wife in
the desert. Then came Shadrach, Meshach, and To Bed We Go, and then Salome, who
was a wicked woman who wore very few clothes and took them off when she danced
before Harrods.
When Mary heard that she was the Mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna
Carta. When the three wise guys from the East Side arrived, they found Jesus in
the manager wrapped in waddling clothes. In the Gospel of Luke they named him
Enamel. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.
St. John, the Blacksmith, dumped water on his head.
Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before
they do one to you. He wrote the "B" Attitudes and explained,
"Man doth not live by sweat alone." Jesus was crucified on his way to
Calgary. It was a miracle when he rose from the dead and managed to get the
tomb stone off the entrance.
The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels. The
epistles were the wives of the apostles. One of the opossums was St. Matthew,
who was by profession a taximan.
St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is
another name for marriage. A Christian should have only one wife. This is
called monotony. The natives of Macedonia did not believe in Paul, so he got
stoned.
Other Christians were condemned to death in large groups. They entered
the arena to face wild lions singing hymns of praise in the name of the Father,
the Son, and In-the-Hole-He-Goes. The Romans went to the coliseum to watch the
Christians die for the fun of it. But, as Mel Brooks says, "The meek shall
inherit the earth."
TOP SEVEN BREAK-UP LINES USED BY CHRISTIANS
7. "I'm sorry, I've found someone more spiritual."
6. "I feel called to the ministry very soon and very far from you as
soon as possible."
5. "I'm sorry, it could never work. I'm a sanguine and you're a
phlegmatic."
4. "You know, I feel like I'm dating my brother."
3. "At least I got a lot out of our Bible studies together."
2. "I think we should just be prayer partners."
And the number one break-up line...
1. "I think you need someone with lower standards."
The World of Toys: Religious Theory in the Late 20th
Century
Main Stream Concepts:
Anglican: They were our toys first.
Greek Orthodox: No, they were OURS first.
Catholicism: He who denies himself the most toys, wins.
Baptist: Once played, always played.
Amish: Toys with batteries are surely a sin.
B'Hai: All toys are just fine with us.
Branch Davidians: He who dies playing with the biggest toys, wins.
Church of Christ, Scientist: We are the toys.
Church of Christ: He whose toys make music, loses.
Confucianism" Once a toy is dipped in water, it is no longer dry.
Hari Krishna: He who plays with the most toys, wins.
Hinduism: He who plays with bags of plastic farm animals, loses.
Jehovah's Witnesses: He who sells the most toys door-to-door, wins.
Mormonism: Every boy can have as many toys as he wants.
Non-denominationalism: We don't care where the toys came from, let's just
play with them.
Pentecostalism: He whose toys can talk, wins.
Polytheism: There are many toy makers.
Seventh-day Adventist: He who plays with his toys on Saturday, loses.
Taosim: The doll is as important as the dumptruck.
Voodoo: Let me borrow that doll for a second.
Philosophical Concepts:
Atheism: There is no toy maker.
Agnosticism: It is not possible to know whether toys make a bit of
difference.
Capitalism: He who dies with the most toys, wins.
Communism: Everyone gets the same amount of toys, but if caught selling
yours, you lose.
Evolutionism: The toys made themselves.
Existentialism: Toys are a figment of your imagination.
Hedonism: To heck with the rule book! Let's play.
For a couple years I've been blaming it on iron, poor blood, lack of
vitamins, dieting and a dozen other maladies. But now I found out the real
reason.
I'm tired because I'm overworked.
The population of this country is 237 million. 104 million are retired.
That leaves 133 million to do the work.
There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work.
Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government.
This leaves 19 million to do the work.
Four million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 15 million to do the
work.
Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and Local
Government and that leaves 200,000 to do the work.
There are 188,000 in hospitals, so that leaves 12,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 11,998 people in Prisons. That leaves just two people to
do the work.
You and me.
And you're just sitting there reading.
.